holiday logic

I should go.

and I would, but I don't want to.  I know this—

because I know

what not wanting is. 

It's a face

twisted in a pillow,

lungs desperate for air

that doesn't reek 

of old man.

not wanting is different

than wanting.

but they live together,

sharpening each other's sides. 

like, my back is better suited

for a bed

because the street is cold. 

and strangers offer

unknown desperations.

I should go.

and I would,

but I don't want to.

I know this—

because I know

what not wanting is. 

It’s curling up

to the monster you know

on christmas

and telling yourself

you’ll stay to leave another day.